Never Forget

We will never forget Psalm 147:3

Some of you reading right now remember this day. Some of you are too young to remember. Still some of you had not yet come into being. For my generation, this is the day in history we will Never Forget. This is my story.

19 years ago, today, I dropped my older son, Duncan, off to Kindergarten for only the third day. These were full days, so it was quite a change for this stay-at-home mom. I sat at home with my younger son, Ben, who was soon to be three years old. As I did every morning, I turned on the network’s Morning Show on TV to maintain a sense of normalcy. Little did I know that normalcy had become a thing of the past.

Serious tones and smoke billowing out of a building were the first images I saw. I sat intently in front of the TV. It was chaos, and like everyone else watching – including the news casters – I was trying to figure out what had happened.

“SPECIAL REPORT” streamed across the screen. A plane crash occurred on the Southern tip of Manhattan and as a result the North World Trade Center had been hit, or at least that was the initial news. At 8:52 am, that was still unconfirmed, but there was no doubt the upper floors of the building were on fire as smoke billowed out in a constant plume of thick dark ash. Eyewitnesses called into the networks to share what they had seen. Some of these witnesses were only blocks from the building. For some of these witnesses, their words heard and faces seen on national news would be the last their loved ones would have of them.

One caller thought it was a plane and another thought it was a missile. One street reporter asked an eyewitness what they saw. “Everything was coming out. All the windows were coming out; papers were flying everywhere.”

“Are there any people hurt, do you know?” the reporter asked.

Are there any people hurt…

As the news cameras kept the burning building on the screen, images of a second plane hitting the other tower were broadcast live. This plane hit further down towards the middle of the South tower. Images from every angle showed a plane flying low, turning sharply, and flying into the tower.

Panic was heard on every station.

I grabbed my Ben and held him close. He was a wiggle worm but seemed to understand I needed him near.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  ~Psalm 46:1

My Nana, who is – at the time of this article – now 101 was at home sleeping. Everyone knows not to call her before Noon. It was only a few minutes after 9:00 in the morning. I called her anyway. At first, she didn’t understand what I was saying, but got out of bed and turned on her TV. “I want to go get Duncan,” I kept saying.

“Honey, there’s nothing that will help by bringing him home from school.”

“I think we’re under attack,” I replied.

“It’s in New York City and seems to be isolated there. Leave him in school.”

We sat on the phone silently watching the news together.

Panic and disbelief flooded the morning news stations. The words “deliberate” and “terrorist act,” sprinkled through the noise on the TV.

“I think we have a terrorist act of proportions no one can begin to imagine,” one newscaster said.

I wanted so desperately to go and get Duncan. Tears streamed down my face. Every essence of my being wanted both of my boys with me.

Nana is a very wise woman. More than a century young, she was born into the Spanish flu pandemic right after WWI, experienced WW2 in her twenties, and was the nurse doctors turned to for advice most of her life. When I have had times in my life where my emotions tried to get the best of me, I turned to her – my earthly rock – for words of wisdom to keep me on the right course. She is the hands and heart of Jesus to me.

So, there I sat clinging to my Nana through the phone.

“An act of terrorism,” “hijacked,” and reminders of a bombing at the World Trade Center grew louder and louder on the television.

Elevators were out in both towers and due to the thick smoke, most were in total darkness. Rescue efforts had begun at both locations. Terrified individuals would walk hundreds, if not more than a thousand steps to the bottom and would run out into the street.

Some individuals were trapped on the upper floors. Intense heat rose into their areas and they broke widows in an attempt to escape the furnace-like heat and suffocating smoke. More than 1,000 feet above ground, lives were moved to hang out of these widows as the lesser of two evils.

The news broke to President George W. Bush who was visiting the Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, FL. Students and adults stood behind the President as he revealed live on nation news that this was a terrorist act. After a moment of silence, he quickly left and would be on Air Force One in no time. That plane would end up being the only plane in the sky as more events unfolded.

The picture on the TV changed. The caption at the bottom of the screen read “The Pentagon – Washington, DC.”

“… Let me interrupt you here for a second..,” said Peter Jennings to a witness over the phone, “We now have a fire at the Pentagon.”

My eyes grew wide and Nana spoke only one word – “Go.”

“I love you!” I said as I hung up the phone. I ran out of the house with Ben, jumped into the van, and raced to the school to get Duncan. The school office was somber and the voice of the Principal broke through the quiet saying something like, “they’ll find out when the kids take lunch.” An obviously upset secretary asked what I needed. “I’m here to pick up my son.”

“Why?” she asked in a sharp tone.

“He has a dentist appointment,” were the quickest words I could muster.

“Oh,” she said. “Go ahead.”

I would later learn from Duncan’s teacher that I looked like a ghost when I entered the room. I had so desperately wanted to tell her what was wrong, but all I could say was, “You’ll find out soon.”

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
~Psalm 23:4

That day, thousands lost their lives as a result of four hijacked planes. The fourth plane was taken back by passengers who had heard about the other planes during their flight. Two brave men lead the battle to fight off the terrorist pilots and drove the plane into the ground to save the lives of countless others who would have died had the terrorist plot been completed. “Let’s roll,” became a victor cry.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds of their wounds.  ~Psalm 147:3

Nearly two decades after the event my little boys are now grown men. Instead of planes hitting towers, New York City is on high alert for the resurgence of COVID-19 which shut down the city, much like that of September 11, 2001. Instead of arriving at an airport and running in quickly to catch your flight, security and precautions in place necessitate your arrival hours in advance.

At the site of the two towers lie two massive memorials with the names of all the lives lost that day in NYC. Nearby stands one single tower – a beacon of hope, a symbol of resilience, and a message to America’s enemies which implies “You can knock us down, but we’ll get right back up again.”

If you remember this day, share your account. If you were too young to remember, ask someone where they were on this day. I say this not so that we remain living in the past, but so that the words many of us promised that day would remain true and the lives of those who perished and those who rescued would be honored…

NEVER FORGET.

You Love Me Anyway

Today was a tough day getting started for me. Have you ever had a night where sleep just didn’t come, and what sleep you had didn’t provide any peace? Yes, me too, and last night was one of those nights.

As I got ready for work, I turned on the radio as I do every morning. I always listen to a station called K-LOVE. The silence broke into mid song as the singer admitted:

Still You call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside…

This is a song I’ve heard at least a hundred times before, but this morning, the words hit me like a pebble tossed into a glassy lake, upsetting the still exterior and rippling through me. The words sung mirrored the tiredness and pain inside. My heart was shattered. Old feelings of worthlessness had crept in the day before and rummaged through my soul as I slept. I had awoken empty and feeling alone and unlovable.

The lyricist continued:

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes, You love me anyway
Oh, Lord, how You love me
How You love me

“But You love me anyway…” Over and over again the lyrics repeated this exclamation. No matter what the writer has done, God loves him. No matter how he feels, God loves him. No matter how severe the offense, God loves him. No matter how much the writer understands God’s ways, no matter his doubt or lack of faith, no matter how arrogant or spiteful, whether he harms others intentionally or not, God loves him.

No matter how weak or empty inside, God loves him.

The Man/God who died on a cross as each one of us thrust thorns into His head, slammed nails into His hands and feet, spit on Him, laughed at Him… ran from Him – that Man died because of and in spite of all that because He loves us.

My weary and broken heart awoke to a song that got it beating again. 

But You love me anyway
Oh, God, how You love me
Yes, You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes, You love me anyway
Oh, Lord, how You love me
Yes, You love me,
Yes, You love me
Yes, You love me,
Yes, You love me

How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Can you relate? Are you hurting? Do you feel empty? Has all your strength been sapped by the storms of life? Do feelings of guilt or shame overwhelm you? Have you put on your running shoes in hopes to escape future pain? Is there a huge void inside where love once resided but now, for whatever reason, is gone?

Unlovable. But He loves you anyway.
Empty. But He loves you anyway.
Ashamed. But He loves you anyway.
Guilty. But He loves you anyway.
Doubting. But He loves you anyway.
Prodigal. But He loves you anyway.
Scared.
But He loves you anyway.
Tired. But He loves you anyway.
Weak. But He loves you anyway.

No matter where you are, no matter how you feel, no matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or what you’ve gone through – God loves you. Your life is no surprise to Him, yet He loves you so much, He died for you. All those who mock Him, fail Him, run from Him, He loves you anyway.

This song that gave so much hope to this weary heart that writes to you now is by a group called Sidewalk Prophets. If you need some encouragement today, listen online by clicking the link below. Let the words seep into your soul and write on your heart “God loves me.”

Bless and be blessed.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God… And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.
~1 John 4:7a, 16a

Conversations with the Counselor: Abandoned

This is a new series of short stories based on conversations with the Counselor. This is no ordinary counselor. You, gentle reader, may recognize yourself sitting in any one of the seats of the counselee in this series. The issues discussed in these compilations are painful reminders of the human condition: fear, insecurity, pride, anger, vanity, idolatry, lust… just to name a few. Each dialogue will bring to light a weakness people face and the hope that comes with Conversations with the Counselor.


“Abandoned”

“Why am I not enough?” I asked.

He sat across from me, legs crossed, hands gently folded on his lap.

“Why?” I asked again. “What is it about me that is not enough? Why do people leave so easily? Why do people leave me?”

He just sat there… listening.

“I need you to tell me what I do wrong! Why. Am. I. Not. Enough? For anyone?” I was angry – hurt. I felt like a waste of space on this earth.

Not a word. He didn’t move a muscle.

“I give up. I hate people. I HATE them! You tell me I shouldn’t give up. I should trust you. Why? I trust you and I get hurt. I believe you and everything you tell me will happen never comes to fruition. Sure, it looks promising in the beginning and maybe even for a time it’s great! Then they pull away, back off, change and leave. People leave. They always leave. What is wrong with me? Why will I never be enough? Why… why will I never be enough…” I sobbed. “I will never take a chance again. I can’t. It hurts too much… I hate people.”

He leaned in. Very quietly, compassionately, He said, “I understand. I ask Myself the same question every day. ‘Why am I not enough?’” He paused.  “May I ask you something?” He said.

I nodded.

“Why am I not enough for you?’”

I looked at Him almost defiantly. “I need something tangible. I need arms and hands. I need to hear a heart that beats. I need to hear the words ‘I love you’ in my actual ears. Other people have that. They’ve had that their entire lives. I give everything I am to those I let in, pouring out love beyond measure only to have my parents, my sister, a man I considered a dad for nearly ten years, men who bought me rings and promised to always be there… they’re all gone. I’m never enough. You made a mistake when You made me. I know this because You won’t give me an answer to my question. I know this because I am expendable.”

“You have Me,” He said tenderly. “You always have and you always will. I will never leave you or abandon you.”

“Then let me stay here with You. Don’t send me back out into the world of hurt. Please let me stay…” I pleaded.

“No. Not yet. I still have plans for you in that world before you can stay with Me.”

“I’m tired. Use someone else. My bucket is empty. I have nothing left to give. If I give anymore, there will be nothing left of me.”

He sat and looked at me until my eyes met His. “I understand that too. I understand the pain when God is silent. ‘Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?’ I cried. I couldn’t feel Him either. It hurts when you think He’s left you. It hurts more than anything. That is the grief you truly feel. You feel that He has left you, forgotten you, doesn’t care. You don’t feel or sense His presence, which is why you feel empty; why you feel like He made a mistake making you; why you’re tired. I, too, gave until I had nothing left. Those burdens I carried were heavy – heavier than you will ever know – but that does not diminish the burdens you feel. It’s all relative.”

“I don’t want to carry them anymore! I hate this place. I hate people. I just hate…”

“You know, there’s a fine line between love and hate,” He said.

I rolled my eyes at His use of the cliche. “Really? That’s the best You have? A cliche? I sit here before You – YOU – and You use a cliche?”

“There is nothing new under the sun.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Ok, that was clever… Nice set-up” I said, half smiling. He smiled back.

“It is true. With both love and hate, there is great passion. People who hate, care. They care deeply. You hate people? You must care deeply enough to elicit that kind of emotional response. Are you following Me?”

“Yes.”

“I created you with a heart that is filled with so much hope and love for people, you were born with it on your sleeve. You say you hold back, you don’t open up, but My dear child, you do. You open yourself to everyone, even though you know it could hurt. I love that about you.”

“Why on earth do you love that about me? I hate that about me!” I said.

“I love that about you because that is Me in you. Some people are truly closed off, the way you say you would like to be. They let no light in, nor do they shine in anyone’s life. You are different.” He paused for a moment. “Do you know what I made about you that puts people instantly at ease so that they will be open to the love and light you shine?” He asked.

“What’s that?” I said looking down.

“Your smile.”

I sat there silently, tears falling from my eyes hit the floor forming tiny puddles.

I made that smile; that smile which can be seen from afar. When you smile – genuinely smile – it lights up a room and softens people’s hearts. That smile conveys your compassion, your authenticity and tells the world you are different – you are safe. It is the threshold through which people are willing to walk in order for Me pour out My love through you.”

I couldn’t look at Him.

“Don’t give up. Don’t give up on Me. Work with Me. Let Me work through you. Let Me finish what I have started in you – in My time. Please trust Me when I tell you ‘You are enough.’”

I sat there silently.

“Please,” He said. “Let Me be enough for you. Help Me help you believe that.”

“I don’t know how,” I said softly.

“That’s ok. I can help with that too. Let My words sink in, and then let’s talk again soon – real soon. I won’t lose touch with you. I want you to reach out to Me anytime and as often as you like.

“Ok.” I sat there for a moment. “I can call anytime?”

“Anytime. Day or night. You won’t disturb Me.”

“And You will answer?”

“I will be there, I promise. I may not give you answers you seek right away, but I will always, always be there.”

“How will I know?” I asked.

“You will know,” He said. “You will know.”