This is a new series of short stories based on conversations with the Counselor. This is no ordinary counselor. You, gentle reader, may recognize yourself sitting in any one of the seats of the counselee in this series. The issues discussed in these compilations are painful reminders of the human condition: fear, insecurity, pride, anger, vanity, idolatry, lust… just to name a few. Each dialogue will bring to light a weakness people face and the hope that comes with Conversations with the Counselor.

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“Abandoned”

“Why am I not enough?” I asked.

He sat across from me, legs crossed, hands gently folded on his lap.

“Why?” I asked again. “What is it about me that is not enough? Why do people leave so easily? Why do people leave me?”

He just sat there… listening.

“I need you to tell me what I do wrong! Why. Am. I. Not. Enough? For anyone?” I was angry – hurt. I felt like a waste of space on this earth.

Not a word. He didn’t move a muscle.

“I give up. I hate people. I HATE them! You tell me I shouldn’t give up. I should trust you. Why? I trust you and I get hurt. I believe you and everything you tell me will happen never comes to fruition. Sure, it looks promising in the beginning and maybe even for a time it’s great! Then they pull away, back off, change and leave. People leave. They always leave. What is wrong with me? Why will I never be enough? Why… why will I never be enough…” I sobbed. “I will never take a chance again. I can’t. It hurts too much… I hate people.”

He leaned in. Very quietly, compassionately, He said, “I understand. I ask Myself the same question every day. ‘Why am I not enough?’” He paused.  “May I ask you something?” He said.

I nodded.

“Why am I not enough for you?’”

I looked at Him almost defiantly. “I need something tangible. I need arms and hands. I need to hear a heart that beats. I need to hear the words ‘I love you’ in my actual ears. Other people have that. They’ve had that their entire lives. I give everything I am to those I let in, pouring out love beyond measure only to have my parents, my sister, a man I considered a dad for nearly ten years, men who bought me rings and promised to always be there… they’re all gone. I’m never enough. You made a mistake when You made me. I know this because You won’t give me an answer to my question. I know this because I am expendable.”

“You have Me,” He said tenderly. “You always have and you always will. I will never leave you or abandon you.”

“Then let me stay here with You. Don’t send me back out into the world of hurt. Please let me stay…” I pleaded.

“No. Not yet. I still have plans for you in that world before you can stay with Me.”

“I’m tired. Use someone else. My bucket is empty. I have nothing left to give. If I give anymore, there will be nothing left of me.”

He sat and looked at me until my eyes met His. “I understand that too. I understand the pain when God is silent. ‘Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?’ I cried. I couldn’t feel Him either. It hurts when you think He’s left you. It hurts more than anything. That is the grief you truly feel. You feel that He has left you, forgotten you, doesn’t care. You don’t feel or sense His presence, which is why you feel empty; why you feel like He made a mistake making you; why you’re tired. I, too, gave until I had nothing left. Those burdens I carried were heavy – heavier than you will ever know – but that does not diminish the burdens you feel. It’s all relative.”

“I don’t want to carry them anymore! I hate this place. I hate people. I just hate…”

“You know, there’s a fine line between love and hate,” He said.

I rolled my eyes at His use of the cliche. “Really? That’s the best You have? A cliche? I sit here before You – YOU – and You use a cliche?”

“There is nothing new under the sun.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Ok, that was clever… Nice set-up” I said, half smiling. He smiled back.

“It is true. With both love and hate, there is great passion. People who hate, care. They care deeply. You hate people? You must care deeply enough to elicit that kind of emotional response. Are you following Me?”

“Yes.”

“I created you with a heart that is filled with so much hope and love for people, you were born with it on your sleeve. You say you hold back, you don’t open up, but My dear child, you do. You open yourself to everyone, even though you know it could hurt. I love that about you.”

“Why on earth do you love that about me? I hate that about me!” I said.

“I love that about you because that is Me in you. Some people are truly closed off, the way you say you would like to be. They let no light in, nor do they shine in anyone’s life. You are different.” He paused for a moment. “Do you know what I made about you that puts people instantly at ease so that they will be open to the love and light you shine?” He asked.

“What’s that?” I said looking down.

“Your smile.”

I sat there silently, tears falling from my eyes hit the floor forming tiny puddles.

“I made that smile; that smile which can be seen from afar. When you smile – genuinely smile – it lights up a room and softens people’s hearts. That smile conveys your compassion, your authenticity and tells the world you are different – you are safe. It is the threshold through which people are willing to walk in order for Me pour out My love through you.”

I couldn’t look at Him.

“Don’t give up. Don’t give up on Me. Work with Me. Let Me work through you. Let Me finish what I have started in you – in My time. Please trust Me when I tell you ‘You are enough.’”

I sat there silently.

“Please,” He said. “Let Me be enough for you. Help Me help you believe that.”

“I don’t know how,” I said softly.

“That’s ok. I can help with that too. Let My words sink in, and then let’s talk again soon – real soon. I won’t lose touch with you. I want you to reach out to Me anytime and as often as you like.”

“Ok.” I sat there for a moment. “I can call anytime?”

“Anytime. Day or night. You won’t disturb Me.”

“And You will answer?”

“I will be there, I promise. I may not give you answers you seek right away, but I will always, always be there.”

“How will I know?” I asked.

“You will know,” He said. “You will know.”